I’ve found myself in a particularly weird place lately. I have been able to experience many, usually conflicting feelings, all at the same time. Excitement, fear, anticipation, grief, joy, and worry. Along with that comes the ability to see God working in amazing ways in some areas and then others, well, leaves me shaking my fist toward the sky asking “Why?”
Sometimes I wonder what a counselor or psychologist would think of my trust “issues.” God, friends, family, even myself: none are immune from my suspicions and accusations of failure.
So, I’m left in a constant place of “Now what?” Am I going to stay in this funk, this peculiar place of questions and waning? I’m not a glutton for punishment so I want out. I always assume the way out is this perfectly planned path. I assume because I try so hard to be ordered and well thought out that things should go well for me; not just well, but awesome. And somehow, that’s not the case.
And that all leads to feeling guilty about it all. How dare I feel dissatisfied with how things are going. Other people have it way harder than me and I have so much to be grateful for. So where does the dissatisfaction come from?
Does it go back to trust? If I trusted that it was God who planned out this moment would it make things better? I know, I trust, that God sees everything; that he knows what’s going on.
So if I know that, I mean really, truly, deeply know that, what does that mean? Where does that leave me?
It leaves me selfishly shaking my fists at the sky wondering why things aren’t going my way. I need to stop being so selfish.
I adore you, Mary! I do want to say that I do not feel closure from this blog though-just for the record, “but I think it’s okay. Maybe there isn’t supposed to be!” I know things look bleak and scary and exciting and wonderful…a rainbow of emotions right now. But, I am just so proud of you for being honest about where you are right now! I love you friend.